WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE PART IN THE SWAP'RA RETREAT?

This retreat would help me refocus and re-energise my operatic career. Motherhood has had a profound effect on my emotional depth, but I cannot bring this to the characters I play without help, and this application is an acknowledgement of that. In addition, becoming a new mother after the pandemic has meant a double-whammy of hugely difficult periods. So, since hearing about this retreat from a former participant, I have had a burning desire to attend. It sounds like the most compassionate, nurturing, understanding and invaluable opportunity, a chance to find fellowship with kindred singer-mothers, and work with leading practitioners with experience of motherhood themselves.

I feel like I need additional support because of having twins. I have to be honest in relating how unexpectedly, exhaustingly hard and isolating having two babies is, and there is little respite because sorting childcare for two is exponentially harder and more expensive. Whilst they are a blessing, I'm finding that I'm also feeling trapped, and that an enormous part of me is missing by not being able to express myself through performing. Indeed, performing would be an ideal outlet for the tumult of emotions I now experience but often have to suppress so that I can cope, and keep going. I believe I came into this career because I had a desire to enable others to feel the depth of emotion that music helped me to experience; it is taking longer than expected to get back to this calling due to the demands of mothering twins, which is costing me physically, mentally and emotionally.

I also need to explain why this particular retreat feels so vital for me: Snape itself holds a huge pull. Ever since first being inspired to join a choir because they were doing my favourite ever work (A Ceremony of Carols), Britten and his music has led the way for me. As a young teen, I doubt whether I would have kept playing the flute if someone hadn't thrust a piccolo into my hand at Pigotts Music Camp and told me to have a go at leading the fugue in A Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra. At Trinity, my first ever operatic role was Lady Billows in Albert Herring, with Steuart Bedford conducting. And professionally, my work has taken me to Snape time and time again, whether with The Monteverdi Choir or English Touring Opera, or to sing my first solo recital at The Pumphouse for The Aldeburgh Festival. The place holds a mystical quality for me, and I would dearly love to reconnect to that inspiration.

DESCRIBE YOUR PRESENT LIFE AS AN ARTIST AND PLANS FOR THE FUTURE:

I am currently focused on procuring concert work. My concert agent, Ann Ferrier, is supportive and understanding as a fellow mother, for which I'm grateful whilst I regain confidence and find my feet. My opera agent, Steven Swales, also has experience of supporting singers returning to work after having had a family. To know he understands and is not impatient is an enormous relief, and indeed I do not think it was a coincidence that we met and began a partnership.

That said, I can think of nothing I want to do more than go back to rehearsals – to enjoy making music with others and explore a character again – and thus my career plans for the near future involve making a full return to opera. However, this is not proving as smooth as I had hoped. I had agreed to return to Bampton Classical Opera to take the title role in their 2024 summer production. Childcare for the rehearsal period was sorted; however, when I came to begin learning the score, I realised I simply did not have time, or indeed energy. I remember a morning when I froze, rooted to the spot with sickening panic about what to tackle first. I realised I had no choice but to withdraw. Subsequently getting help for postpartum depression and anxiety, I now see with hindsight that I was on the brink of burning out. I cannot emphasise enough how gutted I was.

Due to this negative experience, and the complex 'recovery' of my voice and body as I try to work back to full vocal health and physical condition, I have not sought auditions, seeking simply to practice privately, prepare concert work, and see my vocal massage therapist and singing teacher when I have time and money. I still need time to figure out what my voice is doing, and it seems like regaining stamina and the core strength for my support is still in progress. Once I have 'rebalanced' my voice, I can realise what repertoire will be my next venture. I had hoped to progress towards fuller lyric repertoire, and roles such as Governess and Mimi. However, people have always hinted at this dramatic quality to my voice and I wonder whether Verdi will indeed be possible: in the pandemic I undertook my first Verdi Requiem in the enormous acoustic of Coventry Cathedral and was shocked by how easy it felt. Might the Violetta I had always been working on in the background be possible? I had also been working on Konstanze but my hitherto effortless 'extension' has undergone some changes, and I now can't seem to access it so easily.

DO YOU ENVISAGE BRINGING YOUR CHILDREN WITH YOU ON THE COURSE?

Bringing my two toddlers (currently 16 months old) and husband would mean a great deal for many reasons. I've already described how significant Snape and Aldeburgh are in my life, and we are all extremely keen on the beautiful outdoors – I might even go so far as to say the babies are happiest when facing the elements! Having two little ones means it's harder (sometimes impossible) to get out (especially when I'm parenting solo), particularly without a car. I therefore relish any opportunity where I have help to show them somewhere new, and the sea is my mecca. It would mean the absolute world to bring them to this significant, special place.

Equally, I can imagine simply being away and 'retreating' in the fullest sense for my own 'Sea Interludes'. I'm sure family members could help my husband were I to be granted a spot on the course, and I would benefit hugely from some time and space away to rediscover my centre and make some sense of 'the new Susanna'.